Draye's Icon Journal (masked_illusion) wrote in fyrpg,
Draye's Icon Journal

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Fears and Desires

What did I do wrong? I find that I'm asking myself that question more and more frequently these days. Nakago has been so cold as of late. He keeps pushing me away. Not that it's so unusual...I know he doesn't love me. I just wish he'd be a little nicer to me.

Anyway, I walked in on Nakago and Soi looking at maps and making plans in regards to the incidents that have been transpiring in Konan over the past few days. Were they not even going to consult me at all? The only reason I thought to go inside was because Suboshi was making so much racket putting holes in the walls.

Nakago's so incredible. Just seeing him in all his magnificence makes my heart leap into my throat. I tried to tease him into playing with me, but he gave me the cold shoulder. What am I don't wrong? I just don't understand. Even when I joked around by making fun of Soi and threatening Suboshi, Nakago seemed annoyed at my very existence. I can't help but feel he's just using me for my position as one of the Seiryuu Seven. Once my work is done, will he throw me away? I don't think I could bear that.

The decision was made that Nakago would make the trip himself to search out the girl from another world who got lost here. I think he felt challenged by Miboshi's derisive words. Suboshi entreated to let him take the job himself, but Nakago refused. Even when Soi and I both requested to accompany him, he declined. He's so thick-headed. Maybe that's why I love him.

The night ended with him requesting our leave to be alone with Soi. Gods, that woman makes me sick. He only sleeps with her to make use of her "ki-regenerating" abilities. ...Or at least I keep wanting to believe that. Truth is, I'm not so sure anymore. It hurts so much. Why can't that be me instead? I didn't want to leave. Even if it meant sharing him, I wanted to stay. But I will follow his orders to the bitter end, and he ordered me to leave. So I did.

I want to be better for him. I am loyal to him, but what else is there? I can't help but think that, once this is all over, he'll abandon me completely....
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