I don't know how I'm going to be able to write this down. Maybe getting it off my chest will help a little. I just feel like I want to end everything tonight so I don't have to bear this turmoil a moment longer.
With Miboshi's help, I went to Nakago's bedroom tonight. He was tossing and turning in bed, as though some nightmare were controlling his sleep. It made me wonder what kind of state Soi had left him in. I was so worried, I thought for sure my pounding heart would wake him. So I sat beside him anyway and touched his forehead to feel for a temperature. He seemed to calm down when my hand touched him. I thought I had finally broken through....
And then he woke up. He kept questioning me harshly about why I was in his quarters, though I'm certain he already knew perfectly well. My reason that I merely wanted to be near him didn't seem adequate enough, and when I tried to soothe him more, he shoved me away.
Miboshi must have been having a riot. I forgot about him completely once we arrived, but he was there the entire time. I tried to make Nakago understand, and I thought maybe I had gotten through to him when he got out of bed and came toward me, so serious and suave. I couldn't breathe; I couldn't even think, much less move.
But, of course, I must have been delusional. He lashed out at me and grabbed my throat. He told me I was a fool and only needed me for the ceremony. And when I threatened to leave and start my own life, his temper only worsened. Of course I would never defy him. And he knew it perfectly well. And...he was so close. I...I couldn't resist.
I kissed him. Softly, of course. It would likely be my only chance to find out what it was like. He returned my gesture with a backhanded slap, but somehow it barely phased me. I kissed him again, this time deeper, more passionately. It was so much more amazing than I had even imagined. His lips were soft and sweet.
It only lasted a mere moment, though I was lost in eternity forever, it seemed. I knew what the likely repercussions of my actions would be, but at that moment, it seemed worth it. Somehow I managed to fool myself into believing he would want me. But when he buried his fist in my stomach, all of those illusions were shattered.
Funny how I'm supposed to be the master of illusions, and yet I ended up trapped in one myself. I don't remember how long I knelt there stunned after falling to my knees. I only remember burying my face in my palms and sobbing. I'm ashamed of my tears, but I couldn't hold them back. He said he loved no one, but especially someone like me. Like me? Am I that repulsive to him?
I'm so confused. I feel lost...tormented. I don't know what to do anymore. If I try to leave, I know Nakago will just hunt me down and lock me away until he's ready to use me. Now I know for certain that he doesn't care...and never will.
And still...somehow...I can't seem to hate him. I wish I could, if only to stop feeling this sentimental and afraid. Why does he make me feel like that?
But none of that really matters in the long run, does it? I should forget about all this. My mission is to serve my lord Nakago in whatever he wants, and nothing more. And if he decides I am worthless when all this is over and chooses to end my futile existence, I'm ready to accept that as well. It seems that's the only thing I have left to live for--to die by the hands of the one I love most....